i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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