I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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