she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
