Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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