When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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