yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
