Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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