I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
