I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
