I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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