When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
