I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
