Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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