how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
