My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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