Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
