omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
