WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
