I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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