how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
