I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
