Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
