found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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