ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
