How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
