tell your sister to shave her snatch
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
