Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
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He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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