I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
