Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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