I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
