Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
