i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
