I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.