would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
