Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
