I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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