I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
This is my gift to your gina
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
