Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
