Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
