my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
