capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
