I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
