Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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