i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Randomize
