Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize