dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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