I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
