Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
