I saw his package. It spoke to me.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
