her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
