Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My penis needs a shock collar
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
