I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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