Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
