If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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