Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
