Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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